Life Advice
"Ever attentive to the wish for self-improvement in the gullible."
I am full to the gills with Substack advice on how I can improve myself (and my writing) but I fear that I may be beyond redemption.
Many decades ago, that eminent sage, Myles na Gopaleen, also known as Flann O’Brien, Brian O’Nolan, Brother Barnabas, George Knowall, An Broc ("The Badger), James Doe, etc.etc. also offered such advice, "ever attentive to the wish for self-improvement in the gullible:"
"We can make a man of you. We can give you will-power, resolution, verve, push, nerve, pull and a brass neck."
I remember reading comics that had advertisements on the back promising self-improvement. Charles Atlas (born Angelo Siciliano) claimed to be able to develop a skinny weakling who frequently had sand kicked into his face into a real muscle man and babe magnet with a positive attitude (Atlas had done this for himself allegedly.)
Charles Atlas Ltd. was founded in 1929 and, as of 2023, continues to market a fitness programme for the "97-pound (44 kg) weakling". The company is now owned by Jeffrey C. Hogue. Atlas was inspired by other fitness advocates, including world-renowned strongman Eugen Sandow.
Myles’s Institute offered a booklet called the Golden Road: “Modern life demands speed – we can make you fast. We can develop your personality, make you forceful and dynamic. We can make you tall. We can add four inches to your chest and three inches to your biceps. We can abolish scurf and dandruff, cure falling hair and prevent baldness. We can make you masterful. Can you relax? If you cannot, we can tell you how.”
"Turn your back TODAY on your wretched past by filling up the appended form and sending it in a stamped envelope to the Institute. We will do the rest." Prospective students were required to return this pro forma:
“My Dear Sir,
"I am a Professor/a Student and I am an Idiot Boy/a Boob/a Yes-man/a Spineless Waster/a Wreck/an Aumadhaun/a Flat Tyre. I cannot do any of the things you mention. I find that I cannot concentrate for one moment on anything. I have never passed an examination in my life but I have failed several. I find it hard to quit the bed in the morning. I often fail in that matitudinal struggle. Would you blame me? I feel that my only remaining hope is the Institute. You may make any use you wish of this letter.
I enclose the requisite fee of six guineas, and I make this application only on the distinct understanding that should the Principal consider that my case is hopeless, he shall be in nowise compelled to accept my application or my money. I am interested in the following:
Technology
Tautology
Totalisators
Trolley trimming
Transvaal Transport
Journalism in the Home
Jansenism
Jamborees
Accountancy
Myles and the Institute demanded to know, “Can you disarm an armed thug and then throw him? CAN YOU DO ANYTHING? Once again, can you relax? Can you organise? Can you concentrate? Can you discuss the eternal verities without sniggering? Can you drop a goal from the three-quarter line? Can you take a tram from Whitehall to UCD for a penny? WE can do them all. If YOU cannot, you are not a complete man."
I want to sign up. I am demented with the dandruff. Nothing seems efficacious. I may have to shave the head and carry the dandruff in my hand.
Myles claimed to have received pleas for help from the suffering public:
"Sir, I have been rejected five times for the British Army. I am too proud to work. I believe in the sanctity and dignity of the human hands. I place myself unreservedly in yours. Please send me a good booklet. Yours, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . P.S. Have you any reliable cure for bed-sores?"
The Institute had its successes: “Smith was a clerk earning £153 a year, a nervous and anaemic wreck, with no prospects and no desire for prospects; he enrolled on the advice of friends; he studied accountancy in his spare time; he learned eighteen languages and two Chinese dialects with the aid of our special gramophone records. Why? He learned to sketch and to write showcards in his spare time and improved his complexion beyond recognition with the aid of our special herbal remedies. He is now securely walking up the graph with an attaché-case in his hand into the rising sun. WHY NOT YOU?"
"Simson was another clerk. He started by paying £300 for the privilege of working for nothing. He joined the British Army. He is now a certified camel-cleaner in Baghdad with excellent prospects of promotion, WHY NOT YOU?”
The Insitute’s successes included writing achievements. Mr Samuel Hall BA QUED was asked to write a short play and did so under the expert guidance of the Institute. This unleashed his productivity in the writing business. "Mr Hall immediately agreed, and, letting his mind fester for the short space of five minutes, wrote the play in ten minutes, and then absent-mindedly continued writing, using both hands and two pens. At the end of half-an-hour he had written, in addition to the play, five novels, a book of sermons on Temperance, an almanac and a pamphlet on Anti-vivisection."
I will deal in more depth in future posts with the literary advice provided by the estimable Myles, principally in extracts from the Myles na Gopaleen Catechism of Cliché.
More information about Flann O’Brien will also be provided after I have had a nap, or two, and possibly a small tincture.
Slán go fóill